The conversation shouldn't have been an awkward one. That is, if I were normal, if I were like any 32 year old.
But I'm not, so instead, it turned awkward and I wanted to crawl under a rock.

How I felt during this conversation

I'm new to my work and we were all sharing details of our lives in the office, so an intern innocently asked: "So, Amanda, do you have any kids?"
"Nope."
"You married?"
"Nope."
"But you're 32...do you just not want to get married?"

Oh, God.
I will admit that I brushed this off as the intern being a young college student and not having learned the prudence I learned was taught in religious life.

"It's not that." Pause. All right, I need to give more details here or they're just going to fill in the blanks. "Okay, so I was a nun and left just a year ago."

After the initial "WHAT?!?!" and "WHOA!", she paused and said "But it's been a year already. You're not married or anything. What have you been doing with your life?"

I know she asked this innocently (once again, young college student), but I was taken back. I mumbled something about things don't happen that fast and I changed the subject. But I couldn't get the question out of mind:

"But it's been a year already. What have you been doing with your life?"

What have I been doing with my life? Have I been doing anything with my life?
I feared the answer was "nothing".

I am no closer to finding out my vocation in life, no closer to marrying anyone (or even going out with anyone), certainly no closer to having kids.
I am closer to starting graduate school for my MSW...and by closer, I mean I've filled out most of the application. So really, not that close.
I am no closer to any kind of promotion or salary increase. I switched jobs twice this year and I'm now in a job I like, but one that won't be my permanent career.
Everything has remained the same since the day I left - same apartment, same car, even the same friends.

Maybe it's true, maybe I haven't done anything in a year.

I won't deny it; I sulked around with those truths for a few weeks, even through Christmas. I had a year and I did nothing. I felt as if I had failed myself, failed God who had this great plan for me, and, in a way, even failed those who supported me leaving the community. I wallowed in shame.

Life with the Daughters was so packed with ministry, prayer, meetings, conferences, etc. Every moment was filled with purpose. Now that I was by myself...was I just wasting my life because I didn't have a "purpose" of being a wife or mother?

But, as I let myself reflect on it, I realized that while I may not have done the logical "next steps" or what the world would expect of me, there were some accomplishments this past year:

I am no closer to finding out my vocation in life, but I started writing again and am deeply in love with its pains and joys.
I am no closer to finding out my vocation in life, but I've gained some self-confidence, which can only aid in the search.
I am no closer to my MSW as of right now, but I have learned many lessons in ethics, motivational interviewing, etc by experience.
I am no closer to any kind of promotion or salary increase, but I'm happy in my job and isn't that what counts?
Everything has remained the same since the day I left, but I have gained some great friends from church that I didn't have a year ago that I wouldn't trade for anything.
Everything has remained the same since the day I left, but I've grieved my past and kept walking ahead.

I pray that, if that question comes up again, I can say with confidence: "Actually, I did a lot."

Four years later...

Four years have passed and now many of my friends have no idea this blog even existed. It wasn't until yesterday when a national publication contacted me about one of the blog entries that I started sharing its existence.

One friend asked "Why don't you write in it again?"
I hesitated, sighing.

She continued "Well, why not? Why not share the rest of your story?"

All the way home, I thought about it, wrestling with the thought. But she was right - this was my story...although it might change my blog audience.

So, here's the rest of the story.  

In October 2016, three months ago, I left the Daughters of Charity. I realized that it just wasn't "me" anymore and that I couldn't imagine myself living this way for the rest of my life.

I had been on mission in San Antonio for almost two years.

I had been with the Daughters for over five years in total.
"Sister Amanda" became just "Amanda" again.

This blog is no longer a woman in discernment with a religious community.

This blog is now a woman who's going after adventures, seeking courage and climbing mountains.

Stay tuned.

Seminary: Accepting the Seemingly Unbelievable

Almost a year ago to the day, I was accepted for postulancy.
About six months before that, I was accepted for pre-postulancy.

Those were all pretty big steps, or at least in my eyes.

My road of discernment in 2003 as a senior in high school. And now the moment I fantasied about during those good times of discernment and the moment I thought was inconceivable during the rough times is here.

I've been accepted to Seminary. Since we are a Society of Apostolic Life, we actually become a Daughter of Charity at a ceremony called Incorporation as we enter the Seminary, instead of at first vows like many other religious communities. Our vows, which we renew every year, are taken for the first time many years later.

Soon I will be joining the history of the Daughters of Charity that has spanned for almost four centuries (so beautifully illustrated by the image to the right)

In January, I will stop being "Amanda the postulant" and start being "Sister Amanda, DC"

In January, I will become a Daughter of Charity.

In January, the tagline of this blog will turn into "a journey of a Daughter of Charity Seminary Sister".

After nine years of searching, nine years of journeying over two continents, I'm here.

While it was a great joy to know I was accepted, I'm still left in a state of disbelief.

It still hasn't hit me yet that, in a month exactly, I will be a Daughter of Charity.

It's just......God is crazy, but very very good.

My Incorporation will be January 20th. Please pray for me and my fellow postulant Whitney as we become Daughters of Charity and begin our 18 months of study and prayer at the Seminary!

Five years ago today....: Divine Providence Alone at Work

I have great reason to say, in truth, that it has been Divine Providence alone at work. Going there, I had no knowledge of what there was to do. I can say that I saw what was being done only when it was completed. In encounters where I could have met with obstacles, the same Divine Providence provided, totally unexpectedly, persons who could help me . . .. It also seemed to me that I was doing what I was meant to do without knowing how. May God be forever blessed for it! - St Louise de Marillac (L. 159)

Hna Paula and aspirant me
meeting an American Daughter of Charity

Five years ago today, I rolled in my suitcase through the front doors of the Divino Niño Convent. By doing so, I started my first day as a member of a Salesian religious community. I was very nervous. In fact, I spent the night before crying (which, in hindsight, I should have considered a sign...) A few weeks later, I would receive the aspirant habit and start my second job as a third-grade religion teacher soon after that.

The doubts started pretty soon after that first day. For many different reasons, I was unhappy there. And about six months later, I finally decided and got up the courage to tell the Sisters I was leaving the community. I don't like talking about the details of those months in that community because I find those experiences and emotions to be very private for me. However, I will say one thing....

...I know now it was all part of a plan of Divine Providence. Like St Louise said, I was doing what I was meant to do without even knowing it.

And it led me here five years later, in late 2012, in the final months of my postulancy with the Daughters of Charity. And I can't imagine myself anywhere else but with the Daughters. I had no idea that my journey would be like this, that a relative "mistake" would bring me to what I was always meant to be - a Daughter of Charity.

Almost four centuries ago, our foundress Saint Louise wrote to a Sister that was leaving for Poland, one of the first foreign missions of the Daughters of Charity. She wrote this, showing her dear affection for the Sister that she quite possibly would never see again. Yet, quite egotistically perhaps, as I read it, it's as if Saint Louise is talking straight to me and I can feel her comfort and love.

With all my heart I wish you the joy and interior consolation of a soul that is lovingly submissive to the most holy will of God . . . Oh, what an excellent way of life, hard on nature but sweet and easy for souls enlightened by eternal truths and by the awareness of the joy to be found in pleasing God and in allowing Him full mastery over their wills! This, it seems to me, . . . is the road that God wills you to travel to reach Him, however difficult it may appear. Enter upon it, then, wholeheartedly as would a vessel that will carry you where you must go. - St Louise de Marillac (L.448)

I pray that I may always lovingly submit to Divine Providence and remember where He has already taken me....and I wish the same for you, readers, wherever you may be on the journey.

The Love of Jesus Sees into the Future: Mother Theresa and Me

On a large spiral staircase made of slate, between the third and fourth floors, sits a larger-than-life painting of a nun. She stares straight ahead into the eyes of the viewer. Two school girls stand at either side of her, looking up in apparent admiration.

When I first saw this painting at the Institute of Notre Dame, I had no idea who she was. She was just a two-dimensional woman I passed on my way on my way to religion class. A meek freshman coming from public school, I had only recently met a Sister. And I certainly hadn't seen a painting of one quite so large before.

Turns out I was walking not so far from where this nun herself walked. Somewhere, underneath of the building next door, where the original school sat, was evidence of her footsteps.

Her name was Mother Theresa Gerhardinger. And those were probably some tired footsteps.

She was then in her fifties, the hair under her wimple and veil probably fading into gray. Her life journey hadn't been an easy one and perhaps her body already reflected that. During her childhood, the Napoleonic Wars had unfolded before her. Her beloved Catholicism faded away from Bavarian society - monasteries, convents and even schools (including her own) closed, property and possessions stolen from churches. She saw people formerly friends begin to hate each other. This led her, with the help of a friend priest, found the School Sisters of Notre Dame some years later. It wasn't an easy task - her friend priest died, the local people resisted her and she didn't have any money. But somehow, by the grace of God, she did it. And now she had gone along to bring the Sisters to the United States, leaving behind comfortable Germany and stepping into a new culture, a new language and a new need. After some other failed projects, the Institute of Notre Dame was founded as a boarding school for German immigrant girls.

Mother Theresa didn't stay for long, leaving for the German motherhouse soon after. It's more likely that a majority of those footsteps around the original school were her Sisters, bustling around to teach all different grades, to wake up the girls and feed them, to be there for emotional and spiritual comfort.

Although Mother Theresa physically may have left the school, her legacy never did. In those first years and years to come, American vocations from the school would pour into her new community. But then, more recently, as with most Catholic schools in the United States, the number of vocations from the school, either to the SSNDs or any other religious community, dwindled away to almost nothing. But yet, decade after decade, Mother Theresa was still there all the same, smiling over those girls who grew from timid freshmen to seniors ready to go out and change the world. She watched them come and go, and then watched as their daughters, and then granddaughters and even great granddaughters walked those same steps. I was one of them.

Students and alumnae agree that there is some sort of spirit in that school. God knows there's enough ghost stories set in the 160 year old building, but it's something deeper than that. It's a spirit of love and understanding motivated by deep faith in Jesus Christ. A spirit that I believe stems from the spirit of Mother Theresa Gerhardinger. Something occurred to me in high school, something I now attribute to the spirit of the school and her - a religious awakening, a metanoia, I don't know what to call it - but one day, in junior year, the idea popped in my head "maybe I'll become a nun". The thought terrified me. But every day, walking those slate steps to and from classes, I passed a painted nun with a tender face that told me "Look, this is what your life could be..." I mostly tried to ignore it, but other times it led me to deep interior reflection.

Now, I know that Mother Theresa was there, watching over and praying for me during those discernment years in high school. In her day, she was one passionate about religious vocations, often quoting the parable about the workers in the vineyard in her letters. Although I never knew much more about her in high school than a few of her words and brief biographical facts, she taught me that, if you have a burning desire in your heart, even if it means much sacrifice, even if that means giving up marriage, being misunderstood, or traveling to a different country, you can change the world.

She essentially said this same message to her Sisters before she left for the United States, telling them "Dear Sisters, why do we submit to religious obedience and not let our own will prevail? Why do we renounce property and love of earthly goods and voluntarily live poverty? Why do we remain celibate and separated from the world? Why should we unceasingly try to sanctify ourselves? Is it not that, being free from the cares of this life, we can better meet the needs of the dear children as spiritual mothers who meet our Savior in them?" 

A few weeks ago, I returned to the Institute of Notre Dame, my old high school, and talked to juniors about immigration and also about my own calling. I had an absolutely wonderful time and it took me back to my own days in high school. I once again passed by that painting of Mother Theresa Gerhardinger and reflected on everything she meant to me. And although she may be a bit disappointed I didn't join the School Sisters of Notre Dame and went to the Daughters of Charity instead, I really don't think she minds. She told her Sisters, also before her trip to the United States, "the reign of God will be extended when many virtuous, devout, obedient, and diligent young women go forth from our schools and to their families. This is our daily prayer" And I pray that I may be one of those young women from her schools that extends the reign of God.

And just as Mother Theresa Gerhardinger has done for more than a century, from her permanent place in heaven and from the wall on the slate stairs, she continues to watch over and pray for all those girls that pass through the halls of the Institute of Notre Dame....and I like to think perhaps most especially those girls silently discerning religious life in their hearts as I was. And it is by her prayers and spirit that, 133 years after her death, she continues to change the world.

(This next Saturday, Blessed Mother Theresa Gerhardinger will celebrate 27 years of being beatified in the Catholic Church. Let us pray for her canonization!)

A Cheat-Sheet for Discerners of Religious Life

I don't know about you but I loved that time in junior/senior year of high school when colleges began to "recruit". Why? Because that meant lots of mail from different colleges, which meant, for me, lots of anticipation and excitement for the future. As I flipped through the pages of their brochures and magazines, I tried to imagine myself there. And there were so many choices, so many places to imagine. But the number of choices were also overwhelming at times. So overwhelming that, in fact, I applied to five different colleges - not making a final decision until shortly before graduation.

Discerning religious life can be a lot like that. Sometimes it seems that there are just as many religious communities as there are colleges. Each one has its special quality, each one has something that makes it different than the others, each one attracts someone in its own way. And just like a college, not every single religious community is for you. And unless you live in Catholictown, USA (hint: it doesn't exist), there is no way for you to encounter every single community out there. And sometimes you have no idea what you're even looking for.

Because of that, when you're discerning, the Internet can be your best friend. 

And so can something called Vision Vocation Guide, who just came out with their new 2013 issue. (no, they didn't pay me to say that) Because, unlike those mailings by individual colleges, Vision sends you a "catalog" of all religious communities in the United States - both mens and womens (there are also some great articles in there, like one called Why Catholics Care About People Living in Poverty from a fellow Sister blogger (Musings of a Discerning Woman). If you're afraid to get it sent to your house (...and I totally get that), there's also a digital version available. And be not afraid - you won't be contacted by any religious community unless you contact them first.

Each listing of a religious community includes a small description of their mission, ministry, etc and contact information in case you do decide to take the leap (...and yes, I do know it is a leap!) Afraid to take the leap and contact the vocations director, yet there's still something gnawing at you about that community? Investigate. Go to their website. See if they have a blog or two. (Shameless plug: some Daughter of Charity/Vincentian blogs are on the sidebar of this blog, as is the website) Check out their Facebook page or Twitter account.

So, don't feel overwhelmed. Breathe. 

Think about what it is that attracts you in a community - do I want to live in a monastery? do I want to teach? do I want to serve the poor? do I want a small community or a large one? do I want a habit? etc (and there are many more!) - and go from there. If religious life truly is your calling, you'll find the religious community where God wills you to be. But it's up to you to take the first step. 

You may even realize that the answers to those initial attractions may change with time, as they did with me. After all, at first, I wanted a non-habited American community with a focus on foreign mission. And now here I am, in a habited French community with a mission on serving the poor wherever they may be found. The journey changed but it was taking those first steps that led me here.

Be curious. Investigate. Create that first footprint. Be not afraid!

(On another note, speaking of "catalogs", the Response Directory, created by Catholic Volunteer Network, is a great way to find Catholic volunteer service opportunities. I used it to find VIDES+USA, which led me to Bolivia!)

Let's Face the Truth

Let's just admit something straight up - Sisters are getting older. The average age of the majority of religious communities is increasing, rather than decreasing. Convents are closing, schools and hospitals are being turned over to lay leadership - there's simply not enough Sisters to go around anymore.

Recently, there's been a lot of discussion about this very topic in our Province and, while it can be distressing for someone younger, it has been very healthy to talk about it and admit to the truth.

Taken at a discernment retreat a few years ago
Meg (now Sr Meg, who just finished Seminary), Sister Liz
and Whitney, my fellow postulant

Yet I'm still here.

Yet my fellow postulant, also a twenty-something, is still here.

Yet our Seminary Sisters (novices) are still here.
Yet our younger Sisters are still here.

There's something bigger than us that's calling us, no matter the average age of the Sisters in the community. Our groups aren't as big as they were in the 1950s or 1960s but we're still coming. God is still calling.

But why? For me, a postulant still trying to figure things out, the answer is a bit complicated. The average age of the members of the first community I joined was decades younger than the Daughters of Charity. There, most of the professed Sisters were twenty-somethings, yet I didn't stay.

I was drawn to the Daughters by their Vincentian spirituality, their love for the poor, their down-to-earthness (is that a word?) and the Sisters themselves. I felt the Daughters of Charity exemplified all I wanted to be and all I already am. So I dived in and joined and I've never thought of leaving because the Sisters are older than me.

Discerners - don't be afraid to just dive in. Worry more about God's calling than the average age of a community. In the end, it doesn't matter. What matters is your joy and peace with them and their spirituality. Just follow God's call, don't worry about the rest.

Sisters - don't be ashamed of your average age. If you and your religious community are living the Gospel, young people will come. There may be less than before, but God is still calling us. And we're willing to listen to you and soak in your wisdom. Some of the best discernment advice has been from our Sisters in the retirement Villa.

Others - don't believe for a second that just because a community gets lots of young vocations, it's better. Don't get me wrong - there's nothing wrong with those communities. You can praise those communities who get lots of young vocations...but also praise those that don't. (By the way, did you know, the retention rate of postulants/novices is the same for both?) You want to encourage vocations, but by bad-mouthing the ones getting older, you're discouraging what you would actually love to see - young women following God's call.

That isn't to say that religious communities shouldn't plan accordingly (close missions, spread out Sisters, etc) because of the smaller groups of new vocations. In fact, it is very important that they do. But rather this blog post is to say don't lose hope, there are still some of us out there, maybe even more than we know.

(As a sidenote, then again, I am also speaking as a postulant of a very very large religious community all over the world. Counting the whole world, not just the US, our average age is in the 30s. Yet I know others - other twenty-somethings or thirty-somethings - that aren't part of a community like that but joined anyway.)

Discernment

I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them, and the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

- Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Back in high school, I loved going to the bookstore (heck, I still love going to the bookstore) and looking through novels in Spanish. I would flip through them, see the letters jumbled in an order I didn't understand with their mix of accents and tildes and think to myself "One day, I'm going to be able to read this. And without a dictionary" I was only in my second, third or fourth year of taking Spanish, but I had the die-hard ambition of reading those novels but I knew I couldn't just pick it up and read. I would be looking up every other word in the dictionary, mistaking verbs for nouns, not following the tense. So instead I waited and I learned in the meantime. About four years later, in college, I'd be reading the 380-page novel Iacobus in Spanish. Even later still, I'd be in Bolivia, pulling out Spanish novels in our personal library to read for fun.

I think that's what discernment is like.
It's about waiting.
It's about learning.
It's about frustration as we impatiently want the answers NOW and/or as we get frustrated with ourselves for not knowing the answers.
It's about confusion as we navigate through the jungle of vocation and temptation.
It's about discovery, the discovery of who we really are and why God made us.
It's about mystery as we watch our life unfold before us.

Does God want you to be miserable?: Reflections from Jon Acuff

Among the many blogs I follow, one is "Stuff Christians Like" written by Jon Acuff. Why? Because his stuff is hilarious, because it makes you wonder "oh my gosh, are there really Christians out there like that?" and because sometimes it'll really make you think.

His latest blog post is Does God want you to be miserable?. He explores the question "why do we assume that when we give God our life He's going to make us do what we hate?" which is actually quite a good question about vocation. Why do some people discerning think that, in order to become a Sister or a priest, they need to give up what they're passionate about? Why do they think that they'll be miserable but hey, they'll be doing what God wants them to do, right? Because there's something in today's Christian society - and I don't know what it is or where it came from - that tells us that.

Here is an excerpt from his blog entry. 

I do a joke when I speak to church groups. I say, “Every Christian knows that the first thing God does if you give him your life is make you move to Africa to become a missionary. You’ll go zero to hut in about 4.2 seconds.” And folks laugh, but there’s a crazy truth behind that joke. If we think the first thing God will do to us if we come close to him is the worst thing we can imagine, then we serve the worst God ever. 

If you’re not wired to be a missionary in Guam, if nothing about that feels at all like what God has uniquely created you to do, why would he immediately call you to that task if you trusted him with your life?

Go check out the rest of his post. It's worth the read!

Coiffe or No Coiffe? That is the Question....

American Daughters of Charity under
10 years vocation

As you may or may not know, the Daughters of Charity have the option of wearing a coiffe (small veil). As I enter postulancy next week, I grow closer towards having to make that decision since I would start wearing the habit when I enter Seminary (and become "Sister") in January 2013.

Wearing the coiffe - a simple blue veil - is entirely optional. Some Sisters go for it for various reasons and some don't, also for various reasons. Personally, at my house, there is one Sister that wears the coiffe and three that don't.

I recently had a long conversation with one Sister about this. Personally, the topic fascinates me. As we talked, I started creating a list of reasons to wear or not wear the coiffe.

Reasons to Wear the Coiffe
1. The coiffe gives a great witness. This happens in a number of ways - it shows others that young people are still choosing religious life (it's particularly a great witness to my generation, who wants to see this kind of radical witness) and it hopefully reminds them of God and their faith. It shows others that I'm a person of prayer and that may lead to people approaching me asking for prayers.

Daughters of Charity in Kenya

2. The coiffe connects us more with the international community. The Daughters of Charity number thousands and are in 91 countries. In most of those countries, they wear the coif, although sometimes they're of different colors.
3. The coiffe gives a sense of accountability. Wearing the coiffe means that, without even speaking a word, people would know that I am a representative of the Church and my community. I must be responsible with my own actions.
4. The coiffe allows people to see that Sisters are real people. Many see Sisters, especially those wearing a veil, as stiff, strict and perfect human beings. Wearing the coiffe, while still being me, would hopefully shatter that stereotype and show others that Sisters are real people and just like real people, we're all unique!
5. The tradition. The coiffe is the 'successor' of the cornette, which the Daughters wore for centuries, after Mother Guillemin changed the habit during Vatican II. The cornette had become an international symbol for charity (as well as one of the most ridiculous religious habits, but still). And of course, the veil is also an international symbol for religious life.

Reasons Not to Wear the Coiffe
1. Your life is what gives great witness. I don't need a veil to give great witness. If people see that I have dedicated my life to God and the poor, it should hopefully remind others of God. People will hopefully recognize I am a Sister by the Vincentian cross hanging around my neck.
2. The coiffe sometimes isn't practical for ministry. I once heard a story about a Sister, who was/is a social worker. One of her co-workers was raped but didn't tell Sister, though she was a good friend, for several months. When Sister asked her why she had waited so long to talk to her, the friend said "well, you know..." and made a motion over her head to represent the veil.
3. People treat you different if you're wearing a coiffe. One Sister I know said she took off the coiffe because she was tired of complete strangers treating her with more respect than other people, tired of getting free things for no reason or being told she could skip ahead in line.

The first habits of the Daughters
of Charity looked more like this

4. Not wearing the coiffe allows people to see that Sisters are real people. Some people are more likely to approach a Sister and feel more comfortable if they are not wearing a veil - perhaps of a bad experience with Sisters, perhaps because of fear, I don't know.Another Sister, a teacher, told me it seems that young people are more likely to approach her if she's not wearing a coiffe and she wants them to feel comfortable around her.
5. The tradition. The mission of the Daughters of Charity is to serve the poor. Our founders St Vincent and St Louise wanted the Daughters to blend in, to wear what the poor wore. The cornette back in the day (1600s France) was the fashion of the poor - it was like a sun hat. The Daughters originally wore it to blend in with the poor. By not wearing the coiffe, we once again blend in with the poor.

I'm still undecided as to what I will choose because I do see good arguments on both sides. And the great thing is that all the Sisters remain united, whether they're wearing a coiffe or not. There is no 'competition' on either side, it's just seen as a personal choice.

So, what do you think? What would you choose? If you're a Sister, what did you choose?

Postulancy: The Verdict is In!

So you know how I mentioned that I was experiencing my own personal understanding of the meaning of Advent? That was my sly way of saying "so I applied for postulancy a month ago....and I've been waiting for an answer ever since" And I waited....and waited....and waited. I'm not going to lie, it seemed like forever....and doubts and self-consciousness started to pop up ("what if they don't accept me? what will I do then?, etc etc").

A postulant next to a
Daughter of Charity

But lately, as I waited longer and longer, I gave it all up to God. I said "you know what, it's not up to me anymore....whatever the Council decides is Your will, God, and You know what is best for me. I put everything in Your hands" Before you think me holy in any way, know that it wasn't easy...nor was it consistent. I was constantly fighting with myself over who was really in control: me or God.

But tonight, after so much waiting, I received the call. And the answer was....yes, I am accepted to postulancy with my beloved Daughters of Charity.

Finding out was like a breath of fresh air....it was a feeling of relief, a feeling of letting go, a feeling of peace, but most of all a feeling of JOY.

What an amazing early Christmas present. I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Go Ahead and Ring the Doorbell: A Post About Following God's Will

I knocked on the front door of an old house, not knowing who was going to answer and what I was getting myself into. I was nervous but somehow knew this was something that I had to do. A small young Sister who looked slightly familiar answered and welcomed me in. That night would change the course of my life.

The doorbell on the Sisters house did NOT look like this.
But maybe the bell you have to ring will!

That was a year ago today, the first step in jumpstarting my discernment, the first time I ever visited a local community of the Daughters of Charity. The Sister who answered the door was the vocations director, Sr Denise, who had arranged the visit for me. I met her other housemates, prayed evening prayer and had meditation with them, and then ate supper with them. I left feeling strange, as if I knew God was working something in me. The Daughters were like nothing I had ever seen before. The atmosphere breathed unity, prayer, and mission. It felt like falling in love.

Now, the tables are turned. Sr Denise arrived yesterday to visit me. I never would have imagined a year ago that the same Sister who opened the door and welcomed me in would be visiting me as a prepostulant. A year ago, I never would have imagined moving to the South, leaving the school I was working at, teaching a new school subject and more specifically being in formation to be a Daughter of Charity.

Just a few days ago, I was talking to my sixth grade religion class about rejections that lead to blessings. We may not see it at the time, just as I never would have imagined myself here. Everything in my life – including those painful moments – led to here.

Leaving my Salesian community was very painful, though necessary...but it led me to this.

Leaving Bolivia was sad...but it led me to this.

My school closing was sad too...but it led me to this.

God chased me down and refused to let me drown in pain. He had me ring that doorbell, though I really had no idea what to expect. What an amazing image that is...to know that God loves me so much that He would give me all this, that He isn't satisfied with me simply surviving, that He has a special plan for me and only me. I once heard Fr. Jim Martin SJ speak in Baltimore. He said something that stuck with me: “We hear all the time 'God loves you' and it begins to mean little. But think of this – God likes you. He truly does like you” 

That isn't to say prepostulancy is perfect because it's not (nor is it apparently supposed to be), neither am I the perfect prepostulant – I have my frazzled days, my long days, my days where I wonder if I'm doing anything right and, as any human, I make lots of mistakes (and then get nervous about said mistakes). But I can't imagine myself anywhere else. I can't imagine myself in any other town besides Macon or in any other community besides the Daughters of Charity. And I thank God that I'm here, despite the crazy days. St. Vincent de Paul said the only thing necessary for sainthood was following the will of God, that everything lies in that. And well, I'm trying, Vincent...I really am!

A Message to Discerners: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Last night, I was reminded of a good and a very needed message for all of us, either in formation or discernment, including myself - you are not alone!

Someone out there is feeling those same feelings of joy over religious life that you are. Maybe even over the same religious community/order as you.

Someone out there is feeling those same feelings of confusion that you are, wondering "what does God want from me?"
Someone out there is feeling those same moments of transition from lay life to religious life that you are.
Someone out there, although different in personality or race or language, has the same hopes and dreams as you.
Someone out there - who may not even know anything about you, may not even know your name - is praying for you and supports you.

We in formation, we in discernment, we're all united. United by that crazy sometimes rocky, sometimes absolutely amazing journey towards our true vocation. Discernment can be lonely sometimes....but know that there are others in the world just like you. Each one of us has our own personal vocation, yes - but God wouldn't call us to something so entirely unique that we are completely alone. He gave us sisters in the journey, women also questioning and following the call.

Don't keep your feelings bottled up, too scared to say anything, as I did for years during high school and college. Someone out there understands you, even feels the same things you do. Search them out - go on retreats, join discernment groups, start talking with others. You are not strange, not odd. You're not the only one out there. And there's a great sense of relief realizing that...and that joyful relief is something you'll revisit again and again, as you meet more discerners or as more join your community.

You are not alone! We're all in this together!

Seven Years Ago...

Seven years ago....it seems like so long ago now. I was a shy freshman in college, a Spanish major who had no idea what she wanted to do with her life, who was thinking about religious life but afraid to tell anyone.

At a retreat before the start of my freshman year, I met a Daughter of Charity, Sr. Anne. I had no idea that months later, she would invite me to a discernment retreat. (To this day, neither of us know why she invited me or why she was so intent on me going that she had the Lily Grant pay the registration fee.) And I really had no idea what an important role she would play in my vocation story.

Not the retreat I went on, but close enough.
On another note, why does St. Vincent look so mean?

I also had no idea how important that retreat so long ago in March 2004 would be either.
And how funny God is.

There were two Sisters on that retreat - Sister Elizabeth, who was the vocations director, and Sister Denise. Both of them, in their own ways, really got me to realize that Sisters are real people, that I'm not weird for even considering the idea. That retreat really brought me on a new path during discernment. I very gradually opened up to more people about my discernment, I started investigating more and started praying more.

But, as the years passed, Sister Elizabeth and Sister Denise became memories. I never saw them again.

Now, here I sit in a recliner in Georgia, laughing about how funny God is. Life has truly come full circle. Those Sisters I didn't see for seven years now play such an important part of my lives. When I started re-discovering the Daughters this year, it turns out that Sister Denise was the vocations director. At first, perhaps because it had been so long since we had seen each other, I didn't even realize that she was the same Sr Denise as that 2004 retreat. Now, I can't imagine being here without her....she's the one I email with thoughts or call with transition frustrations and she's the one that comforts me and brings me back to earth. And Sister Elizabeth? After seven years of not seeing her, I now see her every day. She's my housemate, lives just a bedroom away.

I'm sure all three of us have changed since that retreat. Yet I don't know about them but, in 2004, I certainly didn't imagine myself here...living in central Georgia, teaching, preparing for a life of a Daughter of Charity, following in the footsteps of two other discerners on that retreat (now Sister Liz and Sister Cecelia)....yet now, seven years later, I can't imagine myself anywhere but here.

Why Me? Why Would God Pick Me?

Vocation at its deepest level is not 'Oh, boy, do I want to go to this strange place where I have to learn a new way to live and where no one, including me, understands what I'm doing.' Vocation at its deepest level is, 'This is something I can't not do, for reasons I'm unable to explain to anyone else and don't fully understand myself but that are nonetheless compelling. - Parker J. Palmer (Let Your Life Speak, 25)

Where is God taking you?

I didn't do all this - become a prepostulant - simply because I wanted to. I did it because I feel God calling me to do so...even though it is inexplicable to me why God would even call me to do this. If it were up to me alone, I probably wouldn't want to go through the "growing pains" that goes along with learning how to  live a new lifestyle with new people, learning how to teach a new school subject. But somehow I feel compelled to do this...to push my own inhibitions and insecurities aside to follow His call. The best explanation I can give is that Jesus himself said "You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you" (John 15:16)

Sometimes, I think - okay, way more than sometimes - "Oh God, why did you pick me?"  I'm stubborn, way too reserved for my own good but at times way too loud and boisterous, sometimes socially awkward, a procrastinator, indecisive, immature at times. Part of me still can't wrap my mind around the fact that one day "Sister" will precede my name. The thing is, I don't know why God picked me, why He called me to this. And I know that I'll never know, I'll never understand.

I can't even explain to people why I want to be a Sister. I just know there's something - or Someone - pulling me towards it and won't let go; that I feel like my true self in this lifestyle; that it gives me a deep joy I have never experienced before. In high school, from freshman year onward, my friends joked that I was going to be a nun. I would get mad and repeat "No, stop it! I'll never be a nun!" It was not my plan at all. I had no idea what that plan was, but being a Sister sure wasn't it. But then senior year, I started feeling that tug, a tug I tried to brush off but never could. That strong but slow-working magnet won't leave me alone. It made restless, made me hungry for something else. And I have no idea why, why me? That Someone that is pulling me knows me better than anyone, yet continues to pull.

So I decide to go along with the pull instead of fighting it, not completely understanding the why or how, but somehow knowing that the pull is leading me to discover my true self and who I was born to be - and only in that, will I meet true joy. And that's why I'm here, here in formation to be a Daughter of Charity, here in this old convent in middle Georgia, here working with the poor in this school.

So, I'm Not a Saint...: A Post about Being Nervous

In the course of my life, I've read St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Don Bosco, St. Mary Mazzarello, St. Louise de Marillac, St. Vincent de Paul, St. Therese, St. Teresa of Avila and a handful of other saints who I'm forgetting now.

A convent door in Bolivia. Granted, the
DCs aren't nuns and their houses
are not called "convents" but still.
(That to be explained in another post.) 

But nowhere have I seen, written or otherwise, that they were nervous about entering the seminary/convent.

Which frustrates me because I won't deny that, despite my excitement, I am.
I'm walking into pre-postulancy with a LOT of excitement but also a slightly nervous wreck.

And just yesterday, I did something I very rarely do - I missed an appointment with someone because I slept in. I'm very German in the fact that I hate being late to anything and the fact that I had to postpone an appointment, even though it was only postponed for a few hours and the person I was meeting had no problem doing that...it drove me up the wall. I know part of it was my nerves, wondering about Monday, the day I will move into my new house in Macon.

A blog post by a Salesian Sister comforted me a bit, although I had heard the same thing from Sr. Denise and various other Sisters. She wrote about a Sister entering in 1873 and how she was nervous entering. The Sister added "And again, those of you worried about entering - her heart was pounding, the doors to the convent opened, and she was nervous - and it's OKAY!"

Breathe in, breathe out.

And truthfully, I don't even know why I'm nervous. I know the Sisters I'll live with are great. I know the house is great. The community around us is great. I know we have the amazing advantage of going to Mass every day. But I still have butterflies still flying around in my stomach.

I wasn't going to post that I was nervous. After all, it is a very private thing...or at least for me, it is. And even embarrassing. I have no problem showing my excitement and joy in finding my vocation. But something "bad" like nerves? Nuh-uh. But that blog post by the Salesian Sister inspired me to say something. Why? Because I don't want anyone else reading this, who may be discerning or who may be entering a religious community soon, to think that it's not normal to be nervous - every Sister I've come in counter with has told me that. Or to think I must be some saint because I'm not nervous at all. Neither one of those is true.

So I swallowed my pride and posted this. Because while this blog is a way for me to keep in contact with friends and family while I'm now a pre-postulant living states away from home, more than anything, I want to reach out for those discerning. Why? Not because I want them to be Daughters of Charity (although that would be pretty cool) But because truth is, there's not much out there for us discerners. Sure, there's much more out there than when I was initially discerning - things like the VISION magazine and blogs by religious (like Sister Denise's) - but it's still hard to find others that are discerning. You may feel lonely. Or weird. Or confused. I write, bearing my soul, to let others know that they're not alone...and that, while you're radically breaking against everything society is telling you to do just by thinking about religious life, you're still normal.

And apparently, it's normal to be nervous too. So, I take a deep breath and continue on with a smile on my face, knowing that despite the nervousness, I'll be okay.

"You Just Know"....Part II: Some Advisories

(to read part one, click here)

About a week ago, I wrote that "you just know" is the most true yet least helpful discernment advice. Yet "you just know" is more complicated than it seems. I know that, everyone else who's had that feeling knows that, but perhaps you don't. Perhaps you're still searching, still waiting to experience that "you just know" feeling.

If you are, allow me to dispel some "advisories" about this "I just knew" feeling, based on my own experience....

• It's not instantaneous. God gives you His plan in His own sweet time. I first met the Daughters of Charity in March of 2004. And here I am, in August of 2011, joining them seven years later. It took a good while for God to finally reveal where I belonged.
• It's not magical. Well, yes, it is but what I mean is that unless you're really special, God is not going to start talking to you in a burning bush. It's more like Elijah and hearing God in the whispering wind. (Notice the word "whispering" - it usually takes a long time to really hear Him and then you realize that He's been talking to you for awhile now and you, like a dummy, didn't even know it)
• It doesn't come without prayer. There's lots of prayer involved. Lots. Because you wonder "is this really what I think it is?" At least, for me, it took a lot of convincing myself to believe that yes, this really is it. I finally realized that it wasn't pure coincidence that I felt so at home, with the Daughters of Charity and with the charism and everything. It felt different than with my past Salesian community but I didn't want to repeat a "mistake". And it took a lot of prayer and reflection to reach the point of saying "Yes, this is it, it has to be. I just know."
• It's not without work on your part. If you're thinking about joining a specific community - visit, read, talk with someone, visit some more. Heck, even if you're simply thinking about religious life as an option, do the same - visit a community, read about religious life, talk with someone about it, visit another community if you can. Put it all in God's hands but know that you can't get that "you just know" feeling unless you allow it to happen. And you can't know without experiencing.
• It's not always what exactly you have planned. Sometimes God's plan isn't our plan....actually, almost all the time, God's plan isn't ours. But believe me, He knows us better than we know ourselves and He has a more amazing plan for us than we could ever imagine.

So, please don't get frustrated if you have no idea where you're going.
Don't get frustrated if you've been searching for years and still don't know.
Don't get frustrated if everyone else you know seems to have the magical answer for their life, as if God plopped down in front of them and said "Okay, here's the deal. This is what I want you to do for the rest of your life...." (has that happened to anyone here? 'cause it sure didn't happen to me) Keep those "advisories" in mind and enjoy the journey.

"You Just Know": The Least Helpful but Most True Discernment Advice

Last week, I spent a few days at FIAT, a retreat sponsored by the Diocese of Arlington for high-schoolers interested in religious life. Along with the Daughters of Charity, the other religious communities present included the Little Sisters of the Poor, the Oblates of St. Francis de Sales, and the Servants of the Lord and the Virgin of Matará.

A phrase repeated during the vocations stories of all of them (including myself) and the later Q&A, especially in regards to choosing a community, was "I just knew". Even Father commented on how he knows the advice "you just know" isn't helpful at all to discerners but yet it's so completely true.

How did I know the Salesians weren't for me? I just knew. The Sisters were great and some continue to be some of my best friends. I loved working in the orphanage with them. But I just knew somehow that it wasn't for me. After leaving the Salesians, the idea of religious life was still in the back of my mind but I ignored it until last summer, when I spent a good month visiting my Salesians in Latin America and somehow, upon returning, I just knew that religious life could just be for me and I needed to do something about it. I could have picked a variety of different religious communities to get in contact with. But I knew I had to contact the Daughters of Charity. Why? I just knew. Why did I ultimately decide that they were THE community for me? I could cite all the things I love about the Daughters - their mission, their founders, the Sisters, their ministries - but really, it was that I just knew. I just knew that this was THE ONE. I just knew that this was where I belonged all my life.

We can never explain the things God does for us - neither the how or why. And finding your vocation is one of those inexplicable miracles of God. I remember on discernment retreats as a college student hearing vocation stories, which never quite satisfied me. All of them seemed to skip that part where they ultimately realized this was for them - you know that big sign where they knew that THIS was it. I remember asking (or allowing someone else to ask) "Well, how did you know?" And the answer was always a frustrating "I just knew." Now that I've matured (or maybe because I've myself experienced that 'I just knew' moment), I love hearing vocation stories.

So if you're discerning religious life, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is "you just know" is probably the most frustrating advice you want to hear on this journey. The good news is that it's true and that God loves us so much and is so good to us that it's beyond explanation. So, keep journeying and you'll find that, as hard as this journey may be, one day you'll just know.

The Daughters of Charity & the Salesians of Don Bosco...Connected?

So I know what you're thinking..."what do these Sisters and these priests have to do your formation with the Daughters of Charity"? Or, even more realistically, you're thinking "who the heck are the Salesians?"

Like the Vincentians and the Daughters of Charity, the priests were founded first. Don Bosco founded them under the name "Society of St. Francis de Sales". St. John Bosco founded them in 1859 to care for children and youth in nineteenth century Italy. They quickly spread around the world. A few years after founding the priests, Don Bosco met St. Mary Mazzarello, who encouraged him to found a womens' religious order under the same charism. (After all, behind every great male saint, there's a great female saint!) Together, they founded the Daughters of Mary Help of Christians (FMAs) and those Sisters also quickly spread around the world. Eventually, the Salesian family grew as more religious congregations and lay groups were founded. Today, there are about 28 groups that count themselves among the Salesian family! Strangely enough, you could substitute "Don Bosco" with "St. Vincent de Paul" and "Mary Mazzarello" with "St. Louise" and you'd get almost the same story!

Anyway, there seems to be no connection between the Daughters of Charity and the Salesians, right? Founded in a different country, founded in a different era, founded with a more specific mission in mind, etc. The only real connection is that Don Bosco founded it based on the spirituality of St. Francis de Sales, who was actually a buddy of St. Vincent de Paul and someone St. Louise de Marillac deeply admired. Other than that, I got nada.

St Mary Mazzarello, founder
of the FMAs

So why am I writing about this? Well, after college, I was a volunteer in Bolivia with the VIDES program, a long-term volunteer program with the Daughters of Mary Help of Christians and I worked alongside members of the Salesian Lay Missioners (both are programs I would HIGHLY recommend) as well as the Salesian congregation I would end up joining. The Salesians play a huge part in my vocation story. Like, probably more than I give them credit for.

Because of them, I was able to see the beauty of religious life. During my orientation with VIDES in New Jersey, hanging out with the FMAs "woke me up" again to the idea of being called to religious life. I've had many "wake up calls" throughout my vocation story and another one is when I was spending time with my old community (Salesian, but not the FMAs) this past summer.

Because of the Salesians, I saw the joy there is in serving others, particularly children and youth. It can be a frustrating job but all the Salesian Sisters and priests I've met take it all in stride - they keep on smiling and keep being joyful, despite it all. They love children and youth and have a dedication to them that I had never seen before. Despite how exhausted they may be, you'll find them jump-roping or playing baseball right along with the kids. They are one of the many people in my life that showed me the definition of service.

And of course, there's always divine intervention. When Don Bosco's relics were making their world-wide tour almost a year ago, I went to visit them in New York. In front of him, in St. Patrick's cathedral, I prayed "St. John Bosco, I know I'm not called to be a Salesian...yeah, sorry about that, but hey, that's God's fault, not mine. But please help me find my vocation. Pray that I may find the way." And well, you know the rest of the story.

If you're interested particularly in serving children and youth, either as a lay person or a religious, I suggest checking them out. I wasn't called to be a religious with them for many different reasons but they really are great people and I don't regret for a minute being a Salesian long-term lay volunteer.

If you're already a religious (Sister, priest, or brother!), is there a religious community besides your own that influenced you in your vocation story?   

Are There Any Young Sisters Out There?

When I tell someone that I am becoming a prepostulant, sometimes I get the reaction "do the Daughters of Charity get any vocations? Are there any in the novitiate?" (because it is, stereotypically, those active religious communities that aren't getting the young vocations) or even "why don't you join that active/contemplative community that has all of those young Sisters?"

I explain that are different charisms in the Church and it's the Vincentian charism, the charism of the Daughters of Charity, that appeals to me and attracts me the most. And that community they mention has a different charism. Don't get me wrong - I know the Sisters in that community and I love them. The Sisters I've met from there have all been amazing and wonderful, but they're not for me. I explain that yes, there are women in the novitiate (or Seminary, as the Daughters of Charity call it) - it's not just an empty building mourning its vacancy. And that while the average age of an American Daughter of Charity is rather "up there", that shouldn't deter anyone from joining and that, in actuality, internationally the Daughters of Charity are one of the youngest religious communities out there. And of course, I say all of this much more gently (not bitterly) as I am right now.

On that note, recently, I found an email from November 2005. (No, I don't delete emails. Ever, apparently, mostly thanks to Gmail's large capacity. ) I initially went looking because I was curious which Sisters I had gone on that retreat with. I opened the email list that was sent to us six years ago. Among the discerners, I realized that 3 out of 12 of the discerners, all my age or slightly older, joined the Company shortly thereafter, and that 1 is joining now (that would be me) That means, if you do the math, a third of those discerners on that retreat are now a part of the Company (although one left shortly after formation).
I think that says a lot about the Daughters of Charity and who they are.

If you are discerning, whether with the Daughters of Charity or not, don't get discouraged. There ARE other young women who are having the same thoughts of being a Sister as you are. Not only that but that ARE other young women, maybe even your same age, who have already taken the leap and joined a religious community. There is a "vocations crisis" out there - that is a fact - but don't let that deter you. It may be scary but maybe it's up to you to break the status quo and follow the call. You are not alone!